unlucky day.

Hey blog, 

0142, 25th Feb 2022.

The day im writing this post is Friday ((by date)). So, yeah what is this post about? Well, tbh recently ive had some of my mental breakdown episodes lol i dont usually tell people that ive been experiencing mental breakdown a lot, like really really lots. Some of it was bcs of my friends, boyf too but rarelyla, mostly abt my future, my fam and most of it was bcs of myself. Why? Tahla, maybe im such a problematic person to start with lol why do i think that way? Well, obvsly ive always been a disappointment to everyone, literally everyone. None of people around me are blessed to have me around, they mustve felt good cutting me off lol haha self-hate cam biaso xD. Well, nak cerita about this week and whats the reason behind my mental breakdowns. Actually for this 2weeks laa not this week je sebab this week havent end yet kan so yeah,, it all started with my job interviews on Friday last week, 18th Feb 2022. Well, recently ive been actively apply all the proteges, graduate trainee and also permanent positions bcs tahla rasa nak sangat beli kereta now sebab i have sooooo many bucketlists, going around malaysia would be great even if i hv to go on my own, sokay,, i enjoyed my own company as long as i got my car music hahaha. Back to the day, on that Friday i have been attended 2 interviews ((after been inactively goin' to any of the iv and talking to anyone lol)). The iv really doesnt went well for me as ive come unpreparedddddd. I was so lacking in everythingggggg. It was 2 different job, one is graduate training for Software Engineer, and the other one is permanent position for Security Analyst. Hmmm, how to desc eh the iv..... The first iv was the SE graduate training program. IT WAS A DISASTER TO ME bcs i have NEVER attended any online interview consisting another candidates lol... im almost having a panic attack bcs... i was too nervous that time. Yela, ive always been anxious all the time especially when it comes to meeting people ._. This time i can sleep well at night bcs i wasnt so anxious for the iv BUT disaster happened when its almost time for the iv,, i woke up wayyy too early bruh, the iv was at 11am, i woke up @ 7 :')))) and i cant even sleep back and it sucksssss bcs that time pun i slept at 3/4 centu so macam a bit sleep deprived lah plus ive been not sleeping at night everyday lollll. So after i woke up kan, i triedla sleep back tapi kennot so i proceed with watching tiktokla to waste my time. Then, at 930, i go shower and dress upla for the iv ((though its just an online interview haha)). I know myself very well, i can never handle nervousness, sebabtu most of the time i will always go with wake up late, even exam day pun selalu memang tak suka bangun awal sebab penantian tu,,,, will always makes me go crazy bruh.... Aku takleh handle anxious aku memang dari kecik centu... But tahla makin besar ni macam dah became more matured and discipline so my eyes was open widely that early erghhhh so lepas dah siap siap tu dalam pukul 10 aku dah siap semua and thats when the nervous struck me!!! Tapi aku buatlek buatpeace jela blablabla sampaila jam 1045, aku lepakla lobby teams tu, taknak bagi nervous teruk, aku pun mainla ngn camera test test bagai. sampai 11 lebih, dorang accept me and masukla aku dalam tu beserta candidates yang lain. Masa awal tu okay lagi tak cuak pe ponla, bila nak start tu amek kauuuu terus menggigil suara aku jawap soalan. Usually aku tak suka rehearsal pun sebab nanti iv bukannya ingat pun semua semua tu so selalunya memang aku akan spontaneously jawap the questions. So, yeah kenapa aku takleh go dengan iv tu? Sebabnya dalam tu ada 5 candidates tau, including myself,, so soalan yang kitorang dapat semuanya berbeza. Yang buat aku rasa teruk,, semua candidates lain dapat soalan teori YANG SUSAH, sampai kat aku cam soalan about myself je... Emmm my mind was like,, "dia memang taknak amek aku ke tanya soalan cam tak interested je...". Tula dalam otak aku then aku cam dk how to impress interviewer tu sebab soalan aku sumpah bosan weh like just about myself ko bayangkanla, orang lain dpt soalan technical and scenario kot cam "what do you understand about blablabla", "what is the current new technology", and so on..... aku cam time tu dah give upla sebab lepas dengar dia ckap ada 4stages :') penat woi nak hadap smpai 4stage baik aku naik pentas je haha k tak lawak xP, astu camtula aku takpela aku redho jela then aku rest sampaila 2pm sebab iv next kol 330pm. YANG NI LAGILA SUMPAH TAKLEH BRAIN SIAK. Ha capslock sebab aku disappointeddddd gilaaaaaaaaaaaa dengan diri sendiri T.T Aku ni dahla takde experience dengan CyberSec sangat, takat yang belajar masa study and CEH jela,, tu pon CEH exam aku tak amek lagi and tak buat pon HAHAHAHA. So, memang outla knowledge aku en so bfr iv aku adala buat research sikit soalan soalan dia and tryla faham and ingat sesikit sekali masa iv dia tak tanya satu pon soalan dalam tu wehhhh dia basically memang tanya benda yang aku penah study like beza worm ngn virus, tanya apa aku faham pasal job scope dorang,, cite dia kan, KENAPA TAKDE PROTEGE YANG NAK OFFER CYBERSEC AKU MARAHLA!!!!! Dahla takde training ke apa like memang semata time study jela, so basically banyak soalan memang aku takleh nak jawap and like baaaaanyak gila soalan dia dahla orang country India yang iv aku. So, aku rasa memang takde rezeki kot kat both ni sebab memang aku tak perform langsung ._. Sebabkan iv aku yang tak perform ni aku pujukla diri aku dengan beli stabak yang dah bertahunnnnnn tak minum siak, last minum time bday aku tahun lepas beb hahaha sooooo masatu otak aku memang duk pikir aku taguna, useless ((sama je luls)), aku cam fedup nak iv, fedup nak keje bahagian IT, memang fedup gila ah masatu duk pikir nak stop jela iv sana sini, stop cari keje IT, nak proceed ngn keje w/o deg je..... Tapi alhamdulillahla, seminggu jugak aku fight negativity otak aku tu, harini siang tadi aku apply jugak keje hehehehe. Moral of the story is, its okay to be weak, its okay to give up on something, but one day you will realise your worth and what you deserve. Belajar sampai 5tahun takkanla nak keje kilang/petrolpump en? So here i am fighting with my ownself to work with a better academic qualifications hehehehe. Doakanla aku dapat kerja sebab banyak orang aku nak belanja esp my fam hihi <3 Senanye banyakla nak tulis pasal mental breakdown aku tapi pasal iv ni je dah panjang berjela ceni ahahahhaah plus esok aku ada job pukul 10pagi sooooo nantila aku sambung xD Hopefully adalah rezeki aku kat mana mana and berkat <3 Aku mampu berdoa je for now plus nak repair myself yang serba broken ni, mungkin Allah tak bagi aku kerja lagi sebab tahu aku tak capable of meeting people yet and mental aku still tak stabil ;) Allah maha tahu dan maha memahami <33333 syukurrrrr, semoga semua sihat walafiat dan dipermudahkan segala urusan serta dimewahkan rezeki <33 Stay safe! :*