new life.

Hi, helu, 27th April 2024. 

0226: im writing a blogpost again. after so long. guess everyone know what it means 🥲. 

yeah, first of all, today i had a worst breakdown ever. i teared up real bad ugly infront of her 🥹. im so depressed and sad and fcking anxious today. the shit that happened today was... macamni. yesterday was great, we were watching The Night Agent tgt, cuddling and holding hands and kissing like we used to do lahkan. then we both sleep after rating the series. we sleep peacefully knowing that, thats the last night to sleep tgt (sebab memasing nak balik rumah parents). so... ceritanya, we both wakeup at 6ish-7 in the morning bcs i put the alarm soooo fcking much and annoying asfckkk. so at 7am tu, she wakeup tertengok jam. the date was 26/4. shit. we forgot smtg. she forgot to check the date before confirming that she got meeting on 26/4. i was at fault too bcs i tak doubleconfirm the date with her (usually i do) but tahla kenapa i tak focus on that masatu. mebi sebab im too full and im so excited to watch TNA with her kot. hmm. ok then pagi tu, dia terus bangun and duduk. aku blur and sumpah jeng. so aku decided to stay on bed. lmao. dia bangun and cakap dia kene buat slides tapi aku sumpah blank gila and still dekat katil. i cant sleep sebenarnya tapi tah kenapa aku tak gerak pun pi dekat diaaaaa. which usually aku akan teman diaaaa buat kerja. idk whats gotten into me but masatu aku sangat blank so aku cuba tidur sampaila aku tertidur. around 830, aku wakeup sebab dengar mak dia call. masatu aku dah rasa teruk. sebab aku tertidur. i let her do work alone. aku sebersalah gila masatu. aku nampak dia terbaring dekat atas meja and i hugged her. dia cakap dia nak tidur kejap je. i was like okayy and i go shishi and i go out i saw her pilih baju tudung nak gosok. when i try to amek the baju nak gosok, she act weird as if shes mad at me. daym. i get why shes mad. but aku berkeras jugak nak gosok baju tu sebab aku tahu i did bad. aku tinggalkan dia buat keje sensorang tak teman dia pun :( jahatnyaaaa aku rasa ya allah... pastu aku dah notice dia dah start taknak cakap dengan aku sebab terasa. aku pun feel bad. the entire day aku takde mood weh... sumpah tak tipu. lepas aku hantar dia kat office, aku mintak nak kiss dia bagi je but ik shes not okay... so aku decide nak oder air coffee utk dia sebab nak keep her awake and beli sandwich nak bagi dia makan cs lastnight she barely eat, shawarma tu tak sedap hm. then i tell her to take the grab once grab sampai. tapi dia langsung tak reply ws aku... aku worried gila sampaikan tak boleh nak focus langsung dekat site. partner site aku pun aku isolate dari dia banyak kali. i just felt so lost that time. lagi lagi bila nampak dia tweet. my heart breaks into pieces bcs i hurts her lagi. aku tak boleh tengok diaaa sakit especially sebab aku buathal haih. so aku sumpah feel bad gila and aku minta maaf for letting her down and let her buat keje alone pagi tu hm. turns out she was numb, she dont cry, she doesnt feel hurts eventho she was hurted. hurm. masatu sumpah rasa nak nangis gila gila gilaaaaa but i had to tahan bcs its working hours and im at site. aku moody gila but i had to act chill dekat semorang. but little did everyone knows, that time my heart was racing and i was so broken inside. haih. sabrina. why you always being a disappointment to everyone close to you? to everyone you loved? haih. im so tired and fcked up with myself. i h8 myself so bad. kenapa kau selalu jadi macamni? always lunturkan semangat orang, always cakap benda sial, always buat orang terasa, always let ppl down do why????? sumpah aku letihhhhhhhh!!!! i kept apologising to her but she keep saying shes okay, its okay. shes being numb is the more worst than shes hurt 😔. sorry. she ws spam me like she always did, she cerita itu ini as if nothing happened sedangkan masatu aku sangat sangat sangat moody and depressed with my wrongdoings to her hurm. bila balik tu, aku pikap dia, aku nak peluk dia kuat kuat and say sorry tapi aku takleh pun nak buat macamtu sebab aku sangat disgusted with myself. teruk sangat aku buat sampai dia jadi numb 😞. dia cerita macam takde apa jadi haritu. my heart breaks though seeing her that way hurm. balik je rumah, dia still okay. till i tell her pukul 8ish, i tell her im not okay. why did she acts okay. dia cakap dia memang okay. aku kata aku nak mati and im so depressed. dia peluk aku but dia main tiktok. sumpah hati aku berkecai masatu. dia nampak sangat tak kesah dah pasal aku. sedih nakmampos rasa diaaa. sumpah rasa nak mati sangat sangat time tu weh. allahu astgfirullah. dalam kepala aku nak mati, nak shisha, nak vape, nak rokok. lastly dia cakap smtg yang buat aku teresak esak nangis. dia cakap, dia memang terasa pagi tadi tapi tahla sebab dah banyak kali jadi sampai aku tak rasa pape. allahu time tu sebak gila aku dengar sampai aku nangis pedih gila dalam hati aku... dia sampai cakap kenapa nangis sampai camni? aku cakap aku sedih dengan diri aku sebab banyak kali buathal sampai kamu pun numb. its worst than bila dia bagi silent treatment kat aku. rupanya ni lagi teruk bila dia act nothing :/ aku try pujuk dia utk talk w me, end up im the one yang keep crying sampai aku dah tak boleh nangis. kami talk. idk why lepas talk tu aku cold. cold gila. i just dont feel myself anymore. im broken. masuk kete sampaila dah hantar kat rumah dia, im not being myself. i had to act cold. ik its not me. aku siap refuse utk masuk rumah dia, thats so not me 😭. tahla aku sedih sangat sampai aku tak boleh sedih dah. bila dah sampai rumah, dia chat aku macam beria, cari topic like usual. aku pun treat dia macam biasa tapi aku tahu aku lain. aku tak toxic. aku cold tapi tak hambar. aku jawap chat dia sume bebaik. mebi that was a new me? haha. no one knows... but im not that beria person anymore. tulis karangan panjang panjang for the tenks this and that. i think im too broken kot. now pun im still awake. almost 3, pukul 5 smtg nak kejut dia. idk. idk what i feel rn? i did cry again and again sampai aku takleh nak tidur tutup mata rasa susah tidur. tahla. aku deact ig twitter sebab tah. i feel lost. tapi tadi aku turun bawah. aku pi tengok bekal yang dia bawak balik. dia bawakkan aku churros 4ketul 🥺 aku terharu sangat sangat. terus switch apa aku rasa tu aku terus rasa terharu and veri thankful to have her 😭😭 dalam letih letih dia pun dia still fikir aku and still nak jaga aku, still kisah pasal aku 🥺. benda ni buat aku rasa aku yang toxic. aku je asyik buat salah. dia asyik buat baik dengan aku hm haih tahla. aku penat nak salahkan diri sendiri tapi aku sumpah sayang gila nakmati dekat dia. aku sumpah tak boleh hidup takde dia 😩. tapi aku tengah cold. but aku still sayang. the same way. harder. hm. papepun aku just nak cakap mebi aku dah tukar personality baru. mebi aku dah tak toxic or mebi i learnt from my mistakes kot. aku dah taknak dah sakitkan dia sebab aku pun sakit jugak.... tapi at the same time aku nak jugak dia sedar yang aku pun ada perasaan. aku always ketepikan ego and perasaan sedih/marah/terasa aku kat dia sebab aku sayang dia sesangat. tapi dia takpernah tahu benda ni. tahla nak~ aku dah malas nak taip, tangan pun dah cramp. so yeah itu je nak curhat. semoga dipermudahkan semua urusan diaaaa dan juga saya esok. wish you well, lusm in <3 goodnight!