love.

hey, blog.

i wanna share smtg to you. i got nobody rn so i have to tell you. atleast i feel relieved. i knw ppl around me are tired w my shits. they wouldnt wanna hear my rants, my unsolved problems, my undecisive side of me. yeah well, its always the same stories, the same problems. who arent tired right? :-) or even if youre a human, you are gonna do the same thing.

so the thing is, its 1:02 am when i started to lay my head on my pillow & close my eyes. everything started to appear infront of my closed eyes. the scenarios, the words spoken, the imaginary. i started to think of him. actually i was just thinking abt who will i married to. tbh, i think abt it every. single. day. but suddenly today he came, hes on my mind. he came & makes me think more and more of him. i opened my eyes, & shit, its 1:30 am. now its 1:45 am & im writing on my blog just because my anxiety cannot hold me bck. i cant bear it. i might cry but i cant cry. hati gelap mungkin.

so, this one guy. i named him "#1" & hes younger 2 years than me. ofc a lot of ppl would react, "no wonder, kiddo" "hes not matured". look, i have an instinct. & i know him more than you guys. ive heard his stories of his life, everything. well, not everything. myb 1/4 of his life :-). ok i know, i dont know him that well. i wished to know him well too. but he refused to tell me. i cant force him. we cant force ppl right? it would make him turn off to me.

lately ive been having the same problem, confusing. its not that im confuse to choose who to be with, but its that im confuse whether i should wait fr him or just go on w my life w/o him. i dont want any rs at this moment. bcs srsly, i love him really much. i know its too early to love him that way but.... it just happened . when im with him, i still love my ex, & i told him that. now, i love him more than my ex. i rly do! its an achievement to me to finally moved on with my ex. but its hard bcs i dont have you by my side 

i dont know how, & when will we start dating. i rly wanna know you inside & outside. do you feel the same thing?  or am i the only one who fell? are you not gonna catch me fall? . bogoshippo. imissyou. i miss us. i miss it when youre all excited telling everyone we re dating. but, its just fr awhile. idk myb you feel bored having a dull rs we me..... :/

nvm, this is just a morning thoughts, tmr i woke up & feel numb again. just that, i hope one day we re really meant fr each other . aamiinnn. i dont want anyone else. i just want you. sincerely. this is my 3rd time falling in love. deeply. obsessed. iloveyou, fs. goodnight 蠟☹

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts

:)

i often feel so bad for turning down on people that actually try people that actually care and people that genuinely love me for myself its not that i dont like them its bcs of the trauma that haunted me that caused by other person. i kinda let them go chasing me with a broken heart its just that im so afraid im gonna be another disappointment for that people the people that i love the most the people that i really need in my life im just scared of my own shadow my darkness my nonsense thoughts my attitudes. im not a lovely person not even a decent person for anyone to keep im just gonna be hurting people for being me but somehow this loneliness kill me slowly struck in my heart and broke everything inside it hurts so bad. there are lots of people that im scared would leave me whenever i feel so comfortable talking with them in my daily these people meant the world to me but now i kinda give up trying give up hoping give up wishing they could stay with me b...
Read more

unlucky day.

Hey blog,  0142, 25th Feb 2022. The day im writing this post is Friday ((by date)). So, yeah what is this post about? Well, tbh recently ive had some of my mental breakdown episodes lol i dont usually tell people that ive been experiencing mental breakdown a lot, like really really lots. Some of it was bcs of my friends, boyf too but rarelyla, mostly abt my future, my fam and most of it was bcs of myself. Why? Tahla, maybe im such a problematic person to start with lol why do i think that way? Well, obvsly ive always been a disappointment to everyone, literally everyone. None of people around me are blessed to have me around, they mustve felt good cutting me off lol haha self-hate cam biaso xD. Well, nak cerita about this week and whats the reason behind my mental breakdowns. Actually for this 2weeks laa not this week je sebab this week havent end yet kan so yeah,, it all started with my job interviews on Friday last week, 18th Feb 2022. Well, recently ive been actively apply all t...
Read more

new life.

Hi, helu, 27th April 2024.  0226: im writing a blogpost again. after so long. guess everyone know what it means 🥲.  yeah, first of all, today i had a worst breakdown ever. i teared up real bad ugly infront of her 🥹. im so depressed and sad and fcking anxious today. the shit that happened today was... macamni. yesterday was great, we were watching The Night Agent tgt, cuddling and holding hands and kissing like we used to do lahkan. then we both sleep after rating the series. we sleep peacefully knowing that, thats the last night to sleep tgt (sebab memasing nak balik rumah parents). so... ceritanya, we both wakeup at 6ish-7 in the morning bcs i put the alarm soooo fcking much and annoying asfckkk. so at 7am tu, she wakeup tertengok jam. the date was 26/4. shit. we forgot smtg. she forgot to check the date before confirming that she got meeting on 26/4. i was at fault too bcs i tak doubleconfirm the date with her (usually i do) but tahla kenapa i tak focus on that masatu. meb...
Read more