2021.

October 15th, 2021. 0020.

halu. yup, first post 2021. hehe. trauma. semua orang ada trauma and fobia en? also toxic traits. kalau takde alhamdulillah korang strong sangat and sangat sangat beruntung sebab hidup tanpa sebarang kecelaruan minda hahah. takdela camtu, cam lucky people sebab youve not be hurted in the most painful way. so you should be grateful laaaa, i did not get that. i hv so many traumas and fobias. so, here it is. im pouring it out here just in case aku ilang ingatan ke en hahahahaha. so gaes,, what is trauma actually? jap aku google. berdasarkan google, trauma is "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience."

ha, trauma apalah sangat yang disturbing sangat kat kau ni ha sabrina oi? well, too many that it hurts me trying to remember it all. aku taktau pun nak ckap cane tapi all of my toxic traits r the reflection of all traumas. i needed someone to know my traumas. but idk how to express it. so i can just stated my toxic traits je eventho no one cares lol. first of all, trust issues. yep. i could never trust people anymore. even when they seek it frm me at all cost pun, i cant. i can never. i tried and i failed. i will always doubting ppl. the reason is bcs ive been lied to. plenty of times. all the times actually :') they lied to me openly and indirectly. both case pun i can detect lies very well. idk why, why everyone did to me was all lying. straight to my face pula tu. lagi pedih bila tipu benda terang terangan. i wont ask anything if i wasnt sure. so when i ask smtg, means i alrdy gt the answer bruh. pls pls plssss be honest. im so tired. i dont wanna be this bad person that cannot trust anyone though, but how can i trust ppl when they alwayssssss liesssssssss. ughhh. sick.

secondly, attachment issues. i tend to be very clingy to people that i love. and i cant change that eventho ive tried all my life. ive become more aggressively attached to ppl when they showered me w their love  when i think and i feel they share a mutual feelings to me, i will automatically become clingy af. which is. not. a. good. thing. to ppl that i love. bcs it will just make them go away. just like that. sometimes kan, tipula aku takpernah malu jadi clingy camtu. selalu je rasa terhegeh hegeh but i cant help myself. i wanted to be around ppl that i love very bad & i cant even be apart fr a while pun. i feel incomplete and sad :( thats how me is. teruk. attachment issue aku teruk. its like i cant live w/o them. its bad. and its toxic. and bcs of this too, i tend to overthink a lot. always felt that they will lastly leave me alone gak bcs im too clingy but- im still clingy and trying to be less attached to them. still trying. not to be beria like how i used to be. aku takyah cakapla, kadang orang yang aku sayang tu text maki pun, aku dah senyum macam orang gila. ye. aku memang gila. ughhh. penat sebenarnya. sebab selalu sayang orang lebih dari yang sepatutnya. and sometimes orang taktahu pun. orang takfaham. aku clingy, overprotective, overthink sebab aku sayang, aku care. aku takut hilang manusia. takut sangat. sebabtu aku jadi macamni. aku takutkan kehilangan sangat sangat. thats why i always wanna be beside them all the time. ugh sickkkkkk!!

third, overthinking. ye masalahnya bukan overthink yang normal ye, overthink aku selalunya benda yang tak benar pun. but how can i know it wasnt real if they never give me reassurance and words of affirmation that everything thats on my mind wasnt real???? like i really need to be comfort too sometimes. i need to get the reassurance. to feel loved, to feel appreciated. once. thats enough. tapi not once pun. my toxic traits and my toxic mind always think that the person that i love doesnt even love me pun, they layan me bcs they terpaksa and theyre bored. also they kesian kot :'))))) i alwaysss think nobody cares abt me. lol. dia macam. kekadang penah je rasa and when i can feel that i feel very secured and happy 梁梁梁❤❤❤ tapi my mind always twisted the feelings that i felt. at the end mesti sedih sensorang sebab rasa cam unappreciated sangat  taktaula, myb masa kecik dulu aku selalu kena tinggal kot myb sebab tu smpai skrg aku selalu rasa takut kena tinggal and takut orang tak sayang aku hm tahlanak. penardddtttzzz. 

lagi satu, i tend to distance myself whenever i felt unneeded 梁 dia macam aku always tryhard to make ppl laughs & smile,, like when they dont enjoy my company, i will feel bad yang sangat sangat teruk sampaikan aku rasa baik aku tak wujud kat situ cam no use. i alwayssssss feel like im useless. duh. teruk. cam no value at all in ppl's heart. worthless. but then i keep coming sampaikan orang annoyed and rimas. and when that thing happened, most of the time i will distant myself and questioning myself and be sad even more bcs i make them rimas w me. lol. dehek. penat betul idop kau sabrina. u need to be chill kot.

ni one of the biggest trauma in my life, BETRAYAL. ive been betrayed all my life doh. kawan ke, boipren ke, junior ke, kakak ke, anyone,, sebut je siapa pun, semua jenis betrayal aku dah rasa and rasa tu sakit sangat. sangat sangat sampai aku almost bunuh diri lastyear sebab hati aku bleeding teruk. ive been broken since forever kot. takpernah pun heal. even masa aku tgh type ni pon, kalau aku terbaca or tgok muvie psl betrayal/curang je mesti benda tu triggered aku. dia macam... im too broken bcs of this. sakitla. ingat ni pun sakit. apatah lagi nak sebut haih. rasa macam taklayak pun nak kawan or kenal sesape dah, nak rapat ngn sesape pun takut sangat. takut at the end kena betrayed lagi. kena tinggal lagi. ughhh ive gt abandon issue too hahhaha. damn. cane eh nak overcome benda ni semua? nak jauhkan diri dari semorang tapi i know i kennot do that bcs even ternampak dari jauh pun aku dah excited. bila dah excited, ilang semua process. haih. penatla jadi sabrina. penat tau penat. penatla hari hari nak overthink yang takde sape sayang aku ikhlas. penat. penat nak overthink yang orang just gunakan aku time bosan or time gt no one je. penat nak stop otak aku drpd rasa camtu haih. takleh ke aku jadi normal????? haih dahla, geraklu ah. ciao.

oh and satu lagi, social anxiety. aku selalu rasa penat keluar ngn a group of ppl or seeing so many ppl kat luar. damn. letih bhai. social anxiety aku wujud sebab aku selalu digossipkan dalam kalangan member membe yang ramai. jadi gossip berantai. its like whatever i do, always ada pemerhati and judge. and speak bad abt me around. sampaikan buat aku takut nak buat pape pun. semua benda terbatas sebab takut orang mengata sangat. haih. aku always rasa orang always talk bad abt me at my back. taktaula nape. takutla. semua benda pun takut. im scared of everything. risau ek. huhu tahla. hopefully nextyear ive completely heal tapi macam impossible sangat sebab i never really live alone w/o any supports. now i have to stand by my own and be my own ears. i dot wanna depend on ppl anymore bcs it hurts lah. sakit sangat rasa tu  the feeling of unwanted, unloved, unneeded, replaceable tu high sangat and it makes me hated myself more everyday. haihhhh dahla. raklu.